We’ve all heard these words in our preschool classroom… “She will not share!” or “I had that first!”. When we put children together to play, these conflicts will arise. But, I don’t like to shy away from opportunities for peer conflict. Why? Because it’s just another opportunity to teach valuable conflict resolution skills to my preschoolers!
If we don’t allow time for free play, we aren’t allowing for these conflicts to naturally arise. I know, wanting conflict sounds strange… but teaching these skills in the moment has big benefits!
Benefits of Teaching Conflict Resolution in Preschool
- Promotes Empathy: To resolve a conflict, we must try to understand the feelings and view-points of others.
- Active Listening: Learning to listen attentively to understand, not just respond.
- Expressing Needs: Conflict resolution teaches children to communicate their needs and feelings with others.
- Compromise: Children learn to negotiate and compromise for a solution that helps everyone.
- Pride & Accomplishment: When a child can work to settle a dispute they feel proud and confident.
- Self-Regulation: During conflict resolution children practice how to manage their own emotions.
- It’s a life skill: Conflict Resolution Skills are skills that children will use the rest of their lives!
When to Teach Conflict Resolution
The best time to teach skills around conflict are right in the moment… as long as both parties are calm enough to work through it.
So, when you start hearing things like ‘I had that first’, ‘Give me that back!’, ‘They aren’t sharing’ or ‘I want to play with that’ – it’s time to jump in. But, we aren’t jumping in to solve the conflict for children, we are jumping in as ‘coach’. More on how to help coach children with these conflicts in a bit.
Another way we can teach conflict resolution in preschool is to teach skills intentionally in a whole group setting. We can teach things like talking it out (using words to work out conflict), how to handle toy disputes and when to request help from an adult.
When we are proactive in teaching these skills in a whole group setting, when the conflict does arise ‘in the wild’, we can use our lesson together as a touch point of understanding.
How to Coach Children through Conflicts
Let’s use an example to better explain this process.
EXAMPLE: Child 1 wants a turn with the toy train, but another child, Child 2, is using it. The conflict arose when Child 2 took the train out of Child 1’s hands.
When stepping in to ‘coach’ children you are a model of calm and you are providing support through your words. Start by listening to both parties and try to get an understanding of what is happening.
Encourage children to look at each other’s faces to see if they can tell how the other person feels. Ask each child to express how they felt. In our example, I would ask Child 1 how he felt when Child 2 took the train from him. Then, I would ask Child 2 how she was feeling when she took the train. Most likely Child 1 will feel angry/frustrated that something was taken from him. Child 2 would most likely feel like Child 1 wasn’t sharing.
Once both parties have expressed their feelings and frustrations it’s time to coach.
Restate the problem: To Child 1: You wanted the train, but Child 2 was using it. To Child 2: You weren’t done using it when Child 1 wanted it. Let me help you solve this.
Explain: When we have problems, we have some choices. We can choose to both play together with the train or we can take turns. Child 1, do you want to play with train with Child 2 or would you like to play with the train alone? [If child 1 wants to play with child 2 – the conflict is resolved]
Restate Child 1’s position: You want to play with the train alone.
Coach Child 2: he wants to play with the train alone. You can ask him for a turn with train when he is done. You could say “Can I have a turn with train when you are done?”
Coach Child 1 to answer Child 2 and follow through with giving her the train when he is done.
Restate the solution: Child 1 is going to give it to Child 2 when he is done playing with it.
I like to make sure that Child 1 follows through and that Child 2 does get a turn like promised.
Let’s look at what each child learned during this conflict resolution coaching:
Child 1:
- Sometimes people want things we are using. We don’t have to give up what we had first to appease.
- Understanding how the other person might feel during the conflict.
- We can use words to solve conflict.
- We need to follow through with what we say and agree to.
Child 2:
- We don’t always get what we want right away.
- Sometimes our actions can hurt others feelings.
- We can use words instead of hands to solve conflict.
- That taking turns sometimes means having patience.
- That I will eventually get what I was wanting, but need to go about it the right way.
The Conflict Resolution in Preschool Coaching Framework
- Listen for conflicts during play and be ready to jump in to coach
- Encourage expression of feelings from both parties
- Restate the problem
- Explain the choices children have in resolving the conflict
- Ask questions to help children express their choice
- Give both children the verbiage they need to be successful
- Restate the resolution
- Help children follow through if needed
So, the next time you hear those familiar preschool squabbles, remember: it’s not just a conflict; it’s an opportunity. By guiding children through these situations, we’re not just stopping a disagreement; we’re helping them develop empathy, understanding, and respect. Conflict resolution isn’t about avoiding arguments; it’s about teaching children how to handle them in a positive way.
